Unfortunately, my road to the cure for AML just became way more intense. My Stanford doctor informed me yesterday that we need to start live-in chemotherapy again, as soon as possible, as the leukemia cells in the bone marrow have now spread to the blood – it’s definitely recurrent leukemia. I am scheduled to be admitted to Kaiser Permanente in Terra Linda on December 29.
My soul keeps searching for answers as to why this is happening to me, and I’ve realized that it’s because I need to change my life completely. I still love advocacy, having and implementing visions for the future, and working with others to make the world a better place. But my spirit guides are telling me right now it needs to be a priority to change my inner world, and go deeper through meditation, breathing, visualizations and gentle yoga. I have done much of this over the past 14 months, but apparently not enough. So I humbly return to the practice. Any tips you have about maintaining a dedicated spiritual practice would be greatly appreciated.
I haven’t left my house except to go to the hospital for the past 5 weeks, because I have low blood counts, was suffering from extreme bone pain, and am now dealing with bronchitis. I was lonely at first, but I am learning how to go within, and I have been so lucky to enjoy the 1:1 company of some close friends, healers, my Mom, my deep sweet love Andy, and Christopher, my house mate, teacher and dear friend. I am on the most intense intensive I could ever imagine, and I know that how much I delve into the practice of deepening my soul will also determine my survival. So I dive deep. And while I try to stay brave, and think I am most of the time, I also cry rivers of tears for the life that I want to continue living, in health, with Andy, and with my community and family.
The promising new drug (PD-1 inhibitor) that Stanford was talking about using for me is unfortunately not available to AML patients right now, although it has had great success with lymphoma and lung cancer patients. I was crushed to learn this news, as chemo is necessary now, and I will go through all of those side effects again, including losing my hair which has grown to be a little more than an inch long.
On December 29, I will be admitted to Kaiser for 4-6 weeks having intense chemo for 5 days (and then recovering at the hospital). My Stanford doctor is contacting Be The Match to reach my donor, Mr. International, to ask him to please give me more life giving stem cells, which will be infused after the chemo (hopefully only one chemo treatment, but I may need two). I am sending positive energy to Mr. International’s cells in my body to fight the leukemia and collaborate with me to return my full health.
I need to be reminded sometimes to have faith and trust – as that is my guiding light right now, along with love, hope and dreams. Love has never felt more real.
I had thought of discontinuing treatment due to the 10-12% survival rate for recurrent leukemia, and simply passing away, but there is zero percent chance of survival if I do that, and I want to LIVE! So with a determined heart and trust in the process – I delve onward, to the CURE. Thank you for your love, prayers and support.